


Hitting The Deep End

by BeautifulCreature



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:17:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1561148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautifulCreature/pseuds/BeautifulCreature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer is having trouble after Maeve's death. Will Hotch be able to help him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hitting The Deep End

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or anything of this plot really. The only thing I own is Spencer’s reaction to a horrible event.
> 
> A/N: This story takes place after Zugzwang. It has zero slash in it except for a little bit of hugging (pretty harmless). It will be a one-shot because I don’t really know what else to do with it.

Reid struggled to hold back tears after spending an hour of his time sitting through an interview with Strauss. He didn’t know why it was mandatory to have to relive terrifying moments. Couldn’t the Bureau get enough information about the case from the other agents on the team? If having to see Maeve die wasn’t enough then having to talk about every piece of information was going over the limit.

Hotch sat down in a seat across from Reid. “Things will get better, Spencer.” He assured.

Reid bit his lip, “I know.”

“Do you need anything, anything at all?”

“No, can I just go home?” Spencer asked.

“Yes, if you need anything, call me.” Hotch said.

Reid nodded slightly and stood up.

Hotch patted his back lightly, “It will become easier.”

                                                                                    ~~

When Spencer got home he collapsed onto his bed and sighed deeply. A lonely feeling came over him like a dark cloud. Hours later he fell into a restless sleep, constantly tossing and turning. Very early in the morning Reid was woken up by a nightmare. He went into his bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror.

His face was pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. Disgusted at looking at himself he went into his living room and glanced at his book collection. The book Maeve gave him caught his eye. He picked up the book and read the quote inside. Suddenly all of his emotions came rushing back to him in only a matter of seconds.

In the bout of emotions was one that stood out… anger. He was angry at himself for not acting as well as he could have with Diane. Reid got so infuriated with himself that he pushed all of his books off of the shelves. Tears rolled down his face quickly. The crying turned into wracking sobs that shook his body forcefully.

Spencer slid down his wall and sank down to the floor. Placing his head in his hands he gripped onto his hair and tugged viciously. The pain in his heart got worse by the minute. He wished that the floor would grab hold of him and drag him down, taking him away from the world. After hours of sobbing he cried himself to sleep.

But that sleep was interrupted when his alarm went off, signaling that he needed to get ready for work. Even after two weeks of grieving before the interview the pain was still strong as ever. Spencer pulled himself off the floor and trudged into his bathroom. The dark circles under his eyes had gotten worse, though he could care less what he looked like. Reid splashed some cold water on his face and got ready.

                                                                        ~~

At work he tried to look unfazed by the events two weeks earlier. Though he couldn’t look anyone in the eyes, afraid of what reaction they’d have. He couldn’t bare to look at another concerned face. Even though they didn’t have a case they still had to fill out tons of paperwork from the case before. After hours of endless paperwork, Hotch called Reid into his office for a quick word… or so he thought.

“Reid, you don’t have to be here if you don’t feel ready yet.” Hotch said.

“I’m fine.” Reid answered quickly.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days. Have you even slept at all?” Hotch asked.

“I’m fine.” Spencer repeated.

“Okay, I’m sorry for wasting your time. You can go now.” Aaron knew that Reid wasn’t okay, but he wasn’t going to argue with him.

                                                                        ~~

Later that day at home, Spencer stood in his bathroom holding a razor in his hand. He contemplated whether or not to cut his arm. Deciding that nothing could make him feel better, he grazed it against the skin on his left arm. Blood ran down his arm and onto the floor. His arm felt numb, taking away the pain of his heart because he was giving himself the pain he deserved.

Minutes later he heard his phone ring, it was Hotch. Reid sat on his bed (after cleaning off his arm) and felt no emotion. His phone rang again but he ignored it. Suddenly a knock echoed off his door. He didn’t make any move to go answer it. The person knocked a couple more times before calling his name.

“Reid, it’s Hotch, open up.”

But Reid didn’t care at all, Hotch could wait all night.

“Reid, I’m serious.”

Spencer knew that Hotch wouldn’t go away unless he answered. He put on a sweat shirt to hide the cuts on his arm and opened up the door. “Leave me alone.” Reid immediately said.

“Let me in, Spencer.” Hotch demanded.

“No. Go away!” Reid started to close the door but Hotch put his foot in front of it to stop it from closing all the way.

“I’m not leaving.” Aaron walked inside and closed the door behind him, locking it in a single movement.

“Go home, I don’t need you here.” Reid started to walk away, planning on locking himself in his bedroom.

Hotch grabbed his left arm to stop him. Reid winced at the pain from the cuts. Hotch noticed this and stopped in his tracks. “What happened, Reid?” he asked, thinking Reid maybe sprained his arm or something.

“Nothing, I’m fine.” Reid replied quickly.

Hotch pushed Reid’s sleeve upward and saw the cuts on his arm. Aaron felt his stomach sink. “What did you do, Spencer?”

“Nothing, I accidently cut myself on a glass.”

Hotch didn’t believe one word that came from his agent’s mouth. He started searching through Reid’s apartment to find something that could be evidence. Suddenly something told him to look in Reid’s bathroom. When Hotch opened the door to the bathroom he found a horrific sight.

There was a pool of blood on the tile floor. A razor blade laid on the sink counter, covered in dark red blood. The sink even had some blood in it.

“Spencer, why would you do this?” Aaron asked, feeling bile rising up his throat.

“There was nothing else to do.” Reid said.

“Go into your bedroom with me. I want to get the whole story.”

Spencer followed Hotch into his bedroom and sat down on his bed next to his boss.

“Why did you cut yourself?”

“I didn’t know what else to do. I deserve this pain.” Spencer said quietly.

“Why do you deserve this?” Hotch asked.

“I let Maeve die. I could’ve kissed Diane more convincingly. The last thing Maeve saw of the world was me acting selfish. If I would’ve acted like Diane meant something to me, Maeve would still be alive.”

“You did what you could to try and stop Diane. But this Unsub was one that probably would’ve  killed their hostage no matter what happened. It would only be to prove a point.” Aaron explained.

“I could’ve done more. I could’ve, but I didn’t.” Spencer repeated.

“Spencer, Maeve will remember that you were caring enough to put your life on the line for hers. That’s an extremely selfless thing to do. You have to understand that you are a great person and nothing’s ever going to change that.”

“I let her die. You don’t understand the guilt that I have. I’m just as bad as an Unsub.” Reid whispered the last sentence.

“I know what you’re going through. Remember Foyet? He killed Haley. I felt guilty because I could’ve made the deal with him, but I didn’t. I felt like I was a murderer because I let the person who trusted me die. I told her that everything would be okay and that I’d get Foyet before he did any more damage. But I couldn’t blame myself because he was sick in the head. I still feel some guilt about what happened. But I’m not letting it ruin me because I know Haley knows that I did everything I could to help her. And that I loved her with all my heart.” Hotch told Reid.

“You can’t compare our situations!” Spencer snapped, “You were married and had a child together. I never even went on a date with Maeve.”

“No matter how long or short your time was with her, it mattered. You cared for Maeve. You had a bond with her that you didn’t with anyone else. There would still be pain even if you only knew her for a week.”

Tears rushed to Reid’s eyes, threatening to spill over. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do these things keep happening to me?” Reid asked in a whisper.

“I don’t know, Spencer.”

“I wish I had a normal life.”

“We all wish we did. But there is no such thing as normal. We do these things in life for a reason. Big or small.” Hotch stated.

Reid thought for a moment, taking this moment to absorb this information. He couldn’t stop the tears from coming, nor did he want to. Spencer’s thin frame shook with every wracking sob that came. Aaron’s heart sank watching the current events. He embraced Spencer in a comforting hug. Hotch wasn’t sure if he did it for Reid or for himself.

Hotch rubbed Spencer’s back soothingly while his body shook. “It will be okay,”

“When?” Reid asked, sounding like a young child.

“It may take a while, but just know that everyone on this team cares for you. We all love you in our own way. Don’t forget that, Spencer.”

When Reid let go of the hug he noticed something out of the ordinary. His boss had tears in his eyes.

“Why are you crying?” Spencer asked.

“I care about you. I don’t like seeing you or anyone else on this team hurting.”

“Thank you,” Reid whispered.

“You don’t need to thank me. I’d do anything to help you.”

“Thank you for getting through to me.”

“You’re welcome; now, let’s go clean your bathroom up.” Aaron said.

“Yeah, I want to never have to do that again.” Spencer confessed.

“I’ll always be here for you. You’ll never have to think about doing that ever again.”

“I just can’t thank you enough.”

“Don’t. You needed this.”


End file.
